Having An Open Heart!

It is easy to think in the here and now and not consider the future.

A few years ago my life was split into two clear sides, those that had kids with allergies and those that didn’t.

It never felt that others would be able to fully appreciate and or take on board the complexities and severity of my daughter allergies.

It was hard to imagine that anyone who did not have a child with allergies could ever understand what it was like.

Then slowly and without any deliberate action, our world started to shift.

My daughter’s world started opening and she became more independent, she started choosing her friends.

New friends became part of our allergy journey. She and I have attracted some amazingly supportive friends.

At the weekend two friends happily volunteered to take her and her medical bag around the school fete.

She gleamed with newfound independence and joy of being with her friends and away from me.

I let go a little more and enjoyed her reaction and my sense of relief that I could share some of the responsibility.

Life is changing and our ability to integrate her allergies into our lives is growing.

We still come into contact with people who either don’t get it, or don’t choose to, but slowly but surely we are connecting with people who have open hearts and minds.

People who see allergy management as a practical process and who are happy to follow safety instructions.

But most importantly people who are happy to embrace our daughter and all that she has to offer!

Reflections..............

" Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it." Budda

This quote speaks about my life and allergies.

I am constantly trying to understand what the message is behind our story and what it means to me as women and mother.

As I travel along this road and slowly build up my muscle to deal with the many aspects of allergy living, I reflect.

We have learnt so much and yet we have so much more to learn.

When speaking to other mothers who are on an allergy journey I become acutely aware about the many differences, but also the many similarities.

I have been reflecting recently about the time when Saskia was diagnosed and the pain and fear I felt. How my intuition had lead me to believe that something was terribly wrong in spite of all the information I was being given around me.

The choices we made which then and even now seem limiting and undeniably hard.

I turned away from a belief that alternative therapies was more in line with my beliefs than a medical model, because my daughters life was more important than a view or an opinion I held.

In the early days, it was about the survival of my small baby, but now that she is stronger and self-sufficient the picture alters our options broaden.

Her system slowly becomes more mature and stronger, more roads are open.

I now can afford to revisit some of my previous beliefs about alternative therapies and health approaches.

My intuition can start to breath again, without the suffocating sense of undeniable responsibility for such a small human being.

I rejoice that as I slowly discover my new world and accept the miracles that I have within it. As my daughter has grown from baby to toddler and now infancy and then onwards, the strong connection of survival shifts, changes and expands. 

Think about what is created in "just a thought"

I’m standing at my car waiting for my kids to jump in at the end of their school day.

One of the mums who is normally very friendly catches the attention of another mum.

Quite words are spoken between the two.

My radar kicks in………………

Straight away my thought shift into, they are talking about a birthday party my daughter is being excluded from, again!!

My headraces, I’m distracted, the kids annoy me and I am impatient and cranky with them.

What is wrong with people I think, why would they want to exclude her, how hurtful is this?

I am almost certain that my daughter has picked up on what was going on, so I am feeling even more defensive and protective of her.

My focus has immediately moved into negative, not fair, why is she always being left out, doesn’t she have enough to deal with – Do you get my drift?

This morning at drop off it all started again when this mother did not respond to my good morning wishes and smile. Well that confirmed everything in a spilt second, she must now be feeling guilty!

All this happens in a matter of seconds, is any of this TRUE?

Who knows……

Does it serve me and my daughter well to go into this head spin of pity, absolutely not.

Fact: I have no idea what these mums were talking about and it is none of my business – paranoia

Fact: It is absolutely normal and OK for my child not to be invited to birthday parties; she is not everyone’s friend

Fact: Even if she was a friend and the mother did not feel comfortable about including my daughter, this is OK to. Why would I want her included in a party when the host did not feel confident about keeping my daughter safe.

I guess what I am trying to point out, is that thoughts are very powerful things and they are just, that “thoughts’ not facts and often not reality.

If my focus is on my daughter being excluded then this is what I am going to seek evidence for.

So be mindful of what your fleeting thoughts are supporting, flick the ones that reinforce negative and support the ones that serve you well.

Do you want to join our facebook community and find out what is going on?

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Allergy-Living/206208782781130

Please come and join our facebook community. Share it, contribute to it and gain lots of helpful tips and resources. Lots more is going to be added during the coming months!

What Kind Of Life Do You Want For Your Child As They Grow Up?

Did you know that 90% of people focus on the problem when they are dealing with change? I was part of that 90% when my daughter was

diagnosed.

It felt as if my world had fallen apart, I grieved, I got angry, I felt sad and I felt as if I had been robbed a normal mothering experience. I went through many, many different emotions most of which were extremely negative - I acknowledge that I needed to go through these before being able to move into my next phase, which was acceptance.

I've spent many hours searching for information, advice and support when in fact I should have started with ME. Looking inwardly, to draw on my own resilience and resources to deal with this new and challenging situation. To clearly identify what changes we needed to make in order to respond, then look at specifics and start to identify solutions.

What does this mean?

It was easy to spiral into panic and fear driven emotions, because after all, this was my baby and I had been told that she could literally “die” from an anaphylaxis reaction if I did not keep her safe. That is scary stuff and it takes some control to stand back and see myself as the first priority. But instead I leaped into action mode to make our environment as safe as I could. This of course was a priority and one, which needed attention, but along side that I should have considered several other very important things.

I should have carefully considered my thoughts about this new and challenging piece of news about my daughter, for they were to shape her and our lives forever. How were we going to emotionally handle this change in our lives and what thoughts would most positively serve our child best e.g. ones which were constantly filled with fear or ones which empowered and provided opportunity for her.

Secondly considering what beliefs I wanted to have, did I want to see my daughter as a sick child who needed to be constantly taken care of and not an equal to her piers, or did I want the belief that she was strong, healthy and smart and would excel in her life.

Thirdly what kind of life did I want for her, one which was full of limits and restrictions and a sense of being the odd one out, or one which she could achieve her full potential in spite of her allergies.

I have created an awareness around these three areas and try to ensure that 90% of my attention goes on solving problems, creating positive thoughts and using empowering language.

If this has touched a cord with you, I ask that you consider these points and question yourself about how you think, whether your belief system supports you and your child positively and what kind of life you want for your child as they grow up!

                                        

We get what we focus on!

This statement got me thinking.

Does this mean that if I worry constantly about the potential food allergy risks my children are exposed to whilst on a family outing, I am inadvertently creating an allergy management incident - probably not!

But it does mean that my subconscious thoughts could impact on our experience. Can this be changed? Yes.

By ensuring that I have prepared us for the family outing as best I can, considering the potential risks we may encounter and then creating a real positive intention that we are going to have a safe and enjoyable time with lots of fun and freedom.

This will ensure that my focus is on the positive experiences we can have rather than the negatives one. Surely this must increase everyones chances of having a great time!

More questions than answers

Why does it keep happening?

It isn’t that hard…

Why do I need to keep having the same conversation?

They just don’t get it!

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar, when dealing with an issue, which involves your child, and their allergy management issues?

I’ve been racking my brains to try and work out the best way of resolving conflicts around the allergy management of my child with people who are involved with her safety.

I try real hard to come from a belief that “most” people are well intentioned and try real hard to ensure she is kept safe. But I find myself very quickly in a defensive position responding in a way, which does not match this belief.

All normal you may think when you are ensuring the safety of your child, but for the sake of my daughter and my sanity I need to dig deeper, I need to question my reactions and responses.

It does not take long before the association with “fear” raises its head loud and clear and then I have to do some more delving. Is it authentic fear or is it unreal fear, that is involved?

We all live in a world that is built on fear and if you add a life threatening condition like anaphylaxis and a child in the mix I think it is realistic to have both forms of fear. But does this response provide my daughter with the best modelling and the best outcome, probably not.

So I’ve been delving deeper, questioning a few of my preconceived ideas and wondering how much real thought work I have given these areas of our life:-

• What do we really mean by keeping her safe, are we really clear about this as parents? 

• What are our minimal standards for keeping her safe, I mean what are “musts” and what are our general aims. (Measurable and specific)

• Auditing my inner fear voice and establishing which are authentic and which are unreal fear which is a projection of what could happen. 

• How do we want my daughter to respond when assessing a potential risk, and do we have guidance for her around what is the most useful way of managing her fear…. 

I think that I have raised more questions than answers, but I know that if I am going to attract the people in our lives that are going to keep my daughter safe I need to keep delving to find the right answers……